My Gabriel...

The Monday and Wednesday morning schedule around here is fun. I either leave the little boys running wild at home or drop them off at Nanny's house around 7:15. That leaves just me and Gabriel left in the car for the drive to school drop off; then I head straight to work from there. He's a talkative little guy and tells me all kinds of stuff on the way to school.

Yesterday he asked, "Mom how do you get the baby out of your tummy?"

Hmmm, I doubt he's really wanting the how that happens. I could sure use some of that farm/ranching exposure I grew up with. That was an education...on more than one occasion. Ask me about billy goats and I'll tell ya a story. ;-) I'll spare you the cow and horse stories.

Me: "I just push them out."

Gabriel: "It hurts a little bit, huh?"

Me: "Yeah a little bit." (Which is why ya'll should be NICE to your Mommas!)

Gabriel: "How do you push them out?"

Me: "Just take a big breath and push, then they come out."

Gabriel: "Sometimes I take a big breath and push out my poop. It shoots (complete with hand motions) into the toilet like a rocket!"

Me: "Wow, that sounds pretty crazy." (No rocket babies for me thanks.)

Gabriel: "I wish my sister was already out of your tummy."

Me: "Me too buddy!"

And then he was off and talking in a totally different direction. We still have lots of challenges to conquer, but he's sure come a long way. Those eyes of his and that truly happy smile he gets sometimes always brightens my day.

Speaking of his sister coming out...she's making a little more progress. The Dr said she's dropped a little, 60% effaced and to a 3. My weight, although higher than allowed, is holding steady and blood pressure is actually going down. Weird. I think she's making a statement, "Go ahead and try...I'm a girl and am gonna do whatever I want."

Thoughts...

A couple Sundays ago I was asked to read a quote and share my thoughts on the Savior. I was very emotionally fragile that day, I don't know why but am pretty sure it had something to do with the 100+ degree days that continued, my ever growing girth and discomfort, and another fun Sunday of getting kids to church...or maybe I'm just a crazy female.

It was a powerful lesson and I learned so much from what the other women shared. I love that every week we, as women, are loved and strengthened by other women that are traveling this path we call life right along with us.

I read the quote quickly before the lesson started and knew I was in trouble; it pierced my soul.

From the talk:
He Lives! All Glory to His Name!

"I try to imagine what an intensely poignant moment it must have been for our Father in Heaven when the Savior cried out from the cross, 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?' (Matt 27:46; Mark 15:34) I don't believe Father in Heaven forsook His Son on the cross. I do believe the cry was motivated when that Son felt removed the sustaining support He had always enjoyed from His Father. His Father recognized that the Savior needed to accomplish the Atonement totally and completely on His own, without external support. The Father did not (emphasis added) abandon His Son. He made it possible for His perfect Son to win the eternal fruits of the Atonement.

None of us can ever adequately appreciate in mortality the full beneficial consequences of the Atonement."


As I tried to share my thoughts I struggled to form any kind of coherent thought. This so perfectly summed up thoughts I'd been trying to put words to for sometime now. SO many things rushed through my head and came out so disjointed. Frustrating...

We were in such a free fall, all we could think about or focus on was the immediate. Whatever was pressing the hardest at the moment was what we took care of...everything else just waited till it started pressing the hardest. There were no plans or foresight involved in our lives. We didn't like it, but what else was there to do? Now that we're in a time of rebuilding I have been able to step back and analyze...just didn't have words to put to it.

I am acutely and painfully aware that our problems were, and are, minuscule in comparison to many others.

Were there times we felt a little abandon? Yes. Well, I should clarify, I felt a little abandon. I've never pried into what Stephen was feeling, but could see the fleeting flickers of emotion that would flash across his face and be gone again. He was stressed, but did a good job of not showing anything.

Were we really abandon? No. Just like our Savior, we were not abandon, but left for a time to struggle and conquer on our own. We are not even remotely close in comparison to our Savior, when we began to approach a breaking point the loving hand of Father in Heaven would step in again with guidance.

I was surprised more than once at the random solutions that came to us. We were prompted to drastically modify our lifestyle and to do it immediately. It was hard to give up some things, and every now and then I felt the need to pout about it. I am a woman, after all, and have honed the ability to pout for many years. It was ugly. Did we survive it? Of course. My Stephen loves gadgets and cool toys; turns out we didn't need quite so many and lots of people are willing to give you money for them. As we dug through the shed, house and all the nooks and crannies that housed said toys I had a very clear thought come to me that getting broke is better than moving. You get to clean out and cull without the stress of finding a new place to live or packing what remained. Although, to say I wouldn't love a bigger house would be a lie. :-) At the same time I felt comforted that if we came to a point that a home sale was in order we'd already be half way ready to move out. Turns out people were willing to give us money for some of my "treasures" too. We needed to cut back more, out went the home phone. The health insurance that refused to pay a cent towards Lincoln's $9,000 birth started costing more than our mortgage so we canceled that too. They let us retro cancel so we didn't have to pay the current month. It was scary with a new baby, but that worked out too. A car broke. That Stephen of mine looked at the spa sitting on our patio and got another idea. He traded that spa for a "little red race car" (Garrett's name for it), then we traded that "little red race car" for a huge U G L Y full sized van (I loathed that van, but it got us from point A to point B), then one day Stephen got an email from a guy that had landed on harder times than us and was looking for something to live in. We gathered some non-perishable food, a couple blankets we didn't need and a few toiletries from our year supply to put in that horrid van and traded it for his motorcycle. Stephen doesn't have a motorcycle license so we had my Dad ride it to make sure all was well. Turns out that motorcycle was in great shape and had some original decals that increased it's value quite a bit. We finally sold that motorcycle and had the money we needed to fix the broken car. Back in the day we'd borrowed money against my Explorer to finish off the last little bit of our family room addition. We chose borrowing money against the car on purpose because if anything ever happened I would rather lose a car over my house any day. We were saddled with this darn car that still had payments. We were blessed that the loan was through a credit union, not a bank, they worked with us and we were able to find a buyer and get rid of that thing too. We were able to find fun free activities to do with the kids...they were sheltered from the reality of the situation. Their childhood bubbles are still in tact. The toilet broke, found one on craigslist for FREE. A system for using coupons and ad matching came together in my mind and reduced our food bill by several hundred dollars per month. Some months we made it on exactly $100 dollars. The kids were begging for a swing-set, found one with some broken wood from a storm for FREE. A couple hours replacing the broken wood and the kids got their swing-set. Stephen found hourly work that brought in some money, I swallowed a SIZABLE amount of pride and approached my supervisor, that DOES NOT like me, and asked for a little more work. A new career idea came to Stephen; one that I'd never even thought of, in a direction totally opposite of what he'd been doing or studied in school. It felt right and we went for it, despite the total disapproval from his Mom. In the middle of interviews I discovered I was pregnant. It felt like a boulder had been dropped on my chest. I couldn't breathe and was more than a little panicked! (We couldn't afford a baby and had no business being pregnant...and I knew it.) The Lord blessed me to be able to keep quiet for a month before I told him so he could focus on getting a job. These times of guidance were spread over a 2+ year period with times of suffocating desperation in between. We were not abandon, but definitely given ample time to grow and learn through the struggle.

Throughout the entire time we were scooped up by the loving arms of family and friends and carried during our times of weakness. We would've NEVER made it without them. Christmas 2009 will forever be burned in my memory. I was left in tears more than once at the generosity, love, and warmth shown to our little family. We were humbled and felt the pure love of our Savior through the sweet acts of others. To this day I have no idea who to thank (oh how I wish I could let them know how profoundly they touched our hearts). On Christmas Eve it dawned on us that Mom and Dad hadn't purchased anything to put under the tree for us. We prayed that the kids would be distracted enough to not notice. Our prayer was answered. Those, sometimes too savvy, boys didn't notice a thing. We learned that when the Lord calls on us to serve one of his children we must act; for we are here to serve Him and His children.

Are we abandoned? No.

Do we have to do some things on our own? Yeah.
Is it painful and hard? Without a doubt.
Would it be easier to skip the hard parts? For sure.
Did we learn from this time? More than I can ever tell.
Humbled? I was choking on all the pride I had to swallow.
Do I want to repeat it? No way.
Will hard times come again? Yes.
Will we be abandoned? Never Ever...

Thanks for handing me that quote. I now have the words I was looking for; we will never be abandoned. It is taped in my journal to remind me of it's important message for many years to come.

Dr: 30% effaced and 1 cm dilated, but she's still really high.

Me: Oh good! I'm done, my body hurts, I can't sleep, and she keeps trying to split me in half with that knee or whatever it is.

Dr: Well, we don't want her to come this week; it's still too early.

Me: I agree, but next week will be just fine. Now everything will be ready when she decided to drop into place. *Please let her come early. I'm begging.*

Here's to another really hot week...so the weather guy says. I'm sure loving those! I heard the other day that fall has officially begun, although, I'm suspicious.

Random Things for Me to Remember

Lincoln's Words:
-Gecko (pronounced with kind of an e/u blend) SO SO SO cute! The second we pull into the driveway at night he starts pointing toward the light and saying "Ge/ucko!"
-Da (Dad)
-Mom (but usually just hollers at me to get my attention)
-Doddy (Doggie) When we hear this we have to swoop in and rescue the poor little critters.
-Bee (Bee, Bird, Bug, Airplane or anything flying in the air)
-Nanny (all women) Of all the kids I figured Gabriel would have generalized this one because he was babysat the most by Grandma, but Lincoln's the one that thinks all women respond to "Nanny".
-Ba-ba-ba (Basket Ball)
-Na-Na (Night Night) Every night when I lay him down he'll tell me "na-na" wave from the mattress and "blow me a kiss" from his eye. His bottle is usually in his mouth so the eye will have to do. {;-D

He's the first one that has really tried talking on his own at this age. I'm VERY hopeful that he'll just develop his language without long trips to and from speech therapy.


Gabriel & Garrett were working on a dinosaur puzzle together. They'd each picked which dinosaur they "were"...

Gabriel: "Hey! I found my head!"

My first thought...was mine with it?


After getting a red light at school for having 3 physical outbursts in one day Gabriel explained that he gets a red in each grade. "I got one red in Kindergarten, then I was done." (He actually got many red lights in Kindergarten, but I think some of it was due to the student teacher that hasn't realized boys are DIFFERENT than girls.) "Now I got one in first grade and I'm done." I responded that I was glad he was done for the year and that we can just have green lights now. He quickly added, "Well, I can still get one yellow light in the week...as long as it's not for something too bad." Hmmm, "too bad" huh?

And It Finally Happened...

No, not labor. I'm still gargantuan.

Today was the first time I was really faced with following through on our new house rule:

"When it's time, it's time!"

I'm done with the fighting and power struggles. I'm not going to fight with a 4 and 6 year old. They can listen and obey or they can live with the consequences. If they don't learn at this age that Mom and Dad aren't joking I don't even want to think about the teen years. We now tell them what needs to be done and they can choose to do it or not and live with the consequences.

Stephen left for his early morning meetings at 6:20...I was still "sleeping" although the noisy kids that were already awake made that very difficult. I gave up and lumbered out of bed to reports of who hit whose eye and rebuttals (I have no idea if that's really how you spell it) on who started it by hitting or scratching or something along those lines. I immediately heard my Dad's voice singing, "There is beauty all around. Let us oft speak kind words to each other, especially to sister and brother." Yes, these are two completely different songs, but those are the two lines that were sung to us oh so many times growing up. I don't have any recollection of actually singing the second song till after we moved to Tucson when I was 13. I will never forget the day I was sitting in Sacrament meeting and that was one of the songs for the day. To this day I don't like either of those songs. Anyway, we started singing and all of a sudden I realized I was singing different words than the rest of the congregation. HE'D MADE UP THE WHOLE ESPECIALLY TO BROTHER AND SISTER PART! But I digress....

These boys are lucky that Dad got up before me because my Sunday rule is no breakfast till you're completely dressed and ready to walk out the door for church. I say they're lucky because Dad had already fed them. Lincoln and I got showered and ate by 7:30. At 7:50 I gave each of the older boys their Sunday clothes for today. At 8:15 I reminded them that when it was time to leave for church they were going in whatever they were wearing. They continued with their games of hide-n-seek, building pillow forts, fist fights, and NOT putting any Sunday clothes on. Lincoln and I were good little people and were all dressed and ready to go by 8:30. At 8:45 I gathered all the shirts, socks, shoes, and ties into a little backpack because I figured Stephen would want to finish dressing them. Well, along came 8:50 (remember that's the absolute latest we can leave and be close to on time) and I announced it was time to load up and get buckles on. I got a couple, "I'm not dressed" and "I'm still half naked" comments. I reminded them that when it's time to go we're gonna leave. So, the little half naked critters went to the van and got buckled. Gabriel was lucky his shirt was on but not buttoned so he was able to finish that up during the drive.

Garrett was very quiet there in his booster seat wearing nothing but his Sunday pants. As I pulled into the parking lot I hear, "Well, I couldn't get dressed because Gabriel was bothering me." It had sunk in that he was at church with very little on.

I gave Stephen the backpack of clothes and excused myself for a little cry/laugh. I was crying because, really had we gotten to this point? Are my kids really this out of control? How can I possibly suck this bad and parenting? How the heck do I get through to the them that just because Dad's not home they can't turn into naughty, psycho terrors? And, the fact that I didn't want to get dressed and go anywhere, I was not excited about subbing with the Sunbeams, I'm miserable at church because it's so flaming HOT every Sunday, and it feels like years since church has provided the edification that makes it worth all the effort of getting there. I was teetering on the brink...
I was laughing because really who takes their kids out in public like that? It's not like I was on the way to Wal-Mart where you can get away with that kind of stuff. What kind of mother doesn't even have the decency to fully clothe her kids before church? And last but not least, their state of dress in combination with the facial expressions was just darn funny. If it'd been someone else's kids I would have been laughing without the crying. But somehow it never seems to be someone else's kids, they're mine and this circus that seems to follow us everywhere is getting exhausting.

No one likes the eye of judgment burning a hole through them. Our ward has just have an insane rash of new people move in. Just Great. Anyone that's been around a while knows we're trying with these kids but I'm not naive or stupid either. I'm exactly the kind of mom that people look at and think, "man why doesn't she discipline or something." I hate that. I can see that all too often it looks like these kids are running the show. I can't tell you how many times other moms of all girls or all girls and one boy have given me advice on how to "just tell them to do it" or "you just need to teach them to do it". It makes me want to scratch their eyes out. Don't you think I've thought of that one? We really are trying with all our might...we just happen to be failing at the moment. I did have a couple people who know how crazy these kids are check in with me later to make sure I was alright. Which also means my state of mind was pretty obvious too. Fun times.

Sorry no picture, although I do have one burned in my memory that will make me laugh...someday...maybe...I hope.

A Couple Kidisms

A couple weeks ago I was walking into school with Gabriel. We passed an Asian couple coming out speaking their language. Next thing I hear is Gabriel mimicking what he heard.

I quickly responded with an, "Uh-uh that is not ok."

Gabriel disagreed and responded with, "Well, she was doing it."

(Mommy duh moment) I explained that they were speaking another language and it sounds different than ours.

He said, "Oh, we shouldn't copy it?"

No, if you want to speak like them you'll just have to learn how to speak it right.

All was well.



On a family trip to Wal-Mart Gabriel found a string or something to play with.

Backseat Conversation

Gabriel: Oooh look it's a heart!!

Garrett: That looks like a love heart. EEWW Gross!!


The stores always run out of Halloween costumes in Gabriel's size so this year we beat the rush. I showed Gabriel the pictures Stephen sent to my phone and he picked the Ninja. I asked if he wanted the black or red ninja?

He answered, "The red one so you can find me at night." Now, that's some logic for ya.

Stephen brought it home with the swords and weapons that went with it. I can't say I'm super thrilled with all the sword fighting going on, but they are boys I guess.

The winner of all the sword fighting???

L I N C O L N

Garrett: Did Garbriel come out of yours tummy?

Me: Yes

Garrett: Did I come out of yours tummy?

Me: Yep, so did you.

Garrett: Did Lincoln come out of yours tummy?

Me: Yeah, Lincoln did too.

Garrett: Our baby sister is in your tummy?

Me: Yep, see how big it is.

Garrett: Will she come out of yours tummy?

Me: I hope so.

Garrett: Who's tummy did you come out of?

Me: Nanny's.

Garrett: Who's tummy did Dad come out of?

Me: Dora's.

Garrett: (slightly suspicious face because we don't know anyone named Dora) Who's Dora?

Me: The lady who's tummy Daddy came out of.

Garrett: Oh, OK! (And he was off and running...er I mean jumping again.)

*We'll see how long it takes him to figure out that Grandma Joclair is Dad's Mommy but Dad came out of Dora's tummy. {;-D


He also loves to talk about someday when he's a Mommy and has a baby in his tummy.

Mariah Logic...

I went in for my check up this last week. They put me on the scale and I took note that I've hit the top weight I'm allowed to hit during pregnancy. I picked a nice weight that is within the healthy pregnancy weight gain range and then decided that I'm N O T A L L O W E D to go over it...ever.

REASON 1 for her to come.

Then the nurse took my blood pressure, 120/70. That's not high according to a large majority of the world, but I'm always at 90/60. 120/70ish are the kind of numbers I start hitting right before giving birth.

REASON 2 for her to come.

The doctor came in and said all my tests, weight, and blood pressure looked good. "Hmphf!" I thought. He reviewed once more how to treat the anemia that I've developed with this little Monkey Wrench. I had hoped that iron supplements would help the weak feeling I get after I move. It's seriously ridiculous; I get up and walk across the house and my legs feel like I just ran a race. I can assure you that there is no running going on around here. :-) I seem to always have a completely exhausted, wiped out feeling in all my muscles. I've noticed an ever so little improvement since starting iron.

He then measured my B I G belly. While doing that he asked if this was a very active baby. I explained that this baby is very quiet...honestly it's kept me paranoid. She's gotten better about checking in with me a few times a day and letting me know all is well. She's kinda like a lava lamp. On the few occasions she moves during the day it's slow and mellow. His comment?? That's because she putting all her energy into growing. I didn't think much about it till he explained, I'm at 34 weeks but measuring 37 weeks (that would be full term size).

REASON 3 for her to come.

I questioned if it was actually her or if I was just getting fat...I'm acutely aware of how many chocolate milk shakes I've downed in an effort to reduce nausea. Every time I'm feeling crappy a chocolate shake makes it better. He said that it was indeed her not me. He told me to plan on over 9 pounds. Uh...um...NO, that would be bad. Just because I got Lincoln out at 8.3 doesn't mean I'm shootin' to see how big I can go. He said if she's still measuring that big in 2 weeks he'll send me in for a sonogram to see what's up and make sure she doesn't get so big she'll get stuck.

Speaking of getting stuck. I'm only taking 2 weeks off of work; which means I can't go giving birth to a one year old that's gonna tear me up and make recovery long and painful. It just cannot happen. Garrett was the smallest at 7.4 and his birth and recovery was fabulous. He came right out with a couple pushes, didn't do any damage to me, and I could sit and move comfortably within the week after he arrived. (My emotional state is another story entirely.) I need a small baby, and smooth delivery, in order to pull off the rest of this semester.

REASON 4 for her to come.

We finally get a girl and apparently football is in her future...I'm thinking linewoman.

REASON 5 for her to come.

It's dad gum stinkin' H O T still (like well over the 100 mark) and I'm sick of sweltering. It makes me grumpy you know. The summer will never end so that leads me to...

REASON 6 for her to come.

My maternity work clothes are starting to get pretty tight and will look absolutely ridiculous very soon. I'm NOT going to buy bigger ones (although I'd like to find another Sunday dress) just for the last month so obviously there's...

REASON 7 for her to come.

I'm only 34 weeks and her lungs are obviously not ready to meet the world....

And that's a great big REASON for her not to come. This one beats them all.

There you have it** Mariah Logic** can give you all kinds of reasons for her to come, but in the end she's just not ready yet. {sigh} I'll go climb in the wah-m-bulance that just pulled up to take me away. Maybe she'll have genius lungs that are advanced for her age and be ready to make a little bit of an early entrance.